The Truth Points To Itself

I think I’ve finally managed to work out what is causing my heart such anxiety. That certain someone out there, whomever she is, is going to have to be a very special person indeed. She will be amazing. Well she would be, but why the heavy emphasis and the upset? I’ve come to realise that the key to this is not me getting hung up on my feelings regarding my girl in the aftermath of the Manila escapade (although that could be an unwritten debate in itself – see the blog “How Far Will You Go? Pt 2” below to see what happened), but rather it’s in the echo of how this woman made me feel before it all came mysteriously tumbling down. I’ve discovered that the real problem provoking despair is the chance of finding someone who would be able to make me feel emotions as strongly as she did. In spite of the outcome, one thing which did happen to me (and I still don’t know whether to thank her for this or not) is I experienced a whole new depth of ‘feeling’ through our six months of conversations. Ironically it isn’t important whether it was a real love or not - even if it was, it certainly can’t have been fully mutual otherwise we’d still be together, yes!? It was the depth of feeling which was present in our expressions. She may have set the emotional bar impossibly high for anyone else yet to step into the light. Consequently, looking from ‘this end of the rainbow’ I find that my fear is that I am likely to be compromised in ever finding as much joy in any relationship ever again.

Of course the simple, logical solution would be to lower my sights, but can the heart learn to compromise? Can a lesser relationship really thrive in the shadow of stronger past emotions without a foundation of underlying resentment? A friend I spoke with about this told me that she felt that relationships were ultimately all “different”. In all seriousness I’ve considered this point before, and maybe she’s right. Maybe it will prove to be the saving grace for my future. After all I don’t suppose I can compare any of my previous relationships to one another – they were each what they were at the time – all valuable in the moment - some continue to be relevant to this day. Perhaps I need not worry after all. Maybe the next will simply be as special in its own way?!

As before then, it’s back to the same question for my mystery woman.. “Where are you?”