Okay, maybe Jim Morrison didn’t say it quite like that, but with a renewed purpose I open myself again to where the far eastern winds blow, entrusting the future of my heart to the Asian woman who is out there looking for me.
How’s THAT for an outrageous spin of optimism!? :)
It’s become an obvious and well-accepted truth to me that no matter how hard you push, love refuses to be ‘found’. So, I’ve decided that in my current state of rest it couldn’t possibly hurt to reach out to her, and share a little mantra of spiritual encouragement:
Are you searching for that special someone, to share in a life filled with mutual learning, love and respect? Do you believe that a quirky sense of humour and romance are ‘must have’ qualities in your soulmate? Should he have a deeper, philosophical side? Would he ideally enjoy art, photography, music, movies and theatre? Should he be a decent cook? Should he be able to enjoy walking aimlessly hand in hand with you through beautiful places, talking about anything and nothing.. and be capable of taking an absurd amount of joy in the simplest things, which most people would overlook? Should he be the kind of man who would promise to never hurt you, and yet still possess the humility to say sorry if he did? Would you dare to dream of sharing unfathomable depths of caring, love and intimacy, and to do so every day as though it were the last?
How do I find myself returning full circle time and again to my belief in you? Where are you? In this very moment, where are you? What do you dream about? How do you look when you sleep? When I close my eyes you are always there with me, yet I do not know your face. You have a soul, grace and beauty I have yet to know, and when I do meet you I‘ll know it because you’ll bring my heart and my world to a stop. When that happens, no other woman will ever be able to walk the same path.
Wherever you are, know that you are already loved beyond all measure. All that is missing is one simple thing..
we have yet to meet. *^^*
Monday 31 May 2010
Tuesday 11 May 2010
To Be Or Not To Be.. Ouch!
In view of my patchy past with relationships and my recent altercations with romance and all things which are supposed to bring comfort and happiness (as opposed to discomfort and hopelessness), I have finally resolved to face a personal demon which has been with me now for about twenty seven years. From today I am faced with the deepest, most fundamental life-defining choice of whether to continue in my pursuit of love, and find a way to cope within my continuing state of emotional disarray, or to turn my back on the search for love and look to something else to fill the gap.
It is an unfortunate and inescapable fact in this repeatedly ironic life of mine that I am a natural romantic, so you will understand when I say that this looming impasse is a painfully difficult and heartbreaking one for me to resolve – the hardest I have ever confronted, and in view of the definitive resolution I am looking for this time, the hardest of its kind bar none. I find myself here because I firmly believe that everybody surrounding me (and not least of all myself) have the right to live without my mood swings. All the chaos running around inside me is quite simply making my life a living nightmare, and by association it is making me a day-to-day pain in the arse to live with. I know this. It may even come as a surprise to some of those suffering around me to know that I know this. I wasn’t always like this. The cruelty to be found in womankind, my world and the passage of time has conspired to put me where I now find myself. I suppose I first have to unravel the situation – I believe that ‘dissemination before understanding’ is the traditional technique..
In spite of my contemplation over shunning romance I have to concede that the one thing which is preventing me from letting it all go without a fight is the certain knowledge that a life without love isn’t a real life - it’s merely a state of existence, no matter how many counter arguments I read which say that love is something which you don’t truly gain from simply having a woman/man in your life. I can see where they’re coming from, but on the whole they are also wrong. If you have someone in your life and you do both truly love one another then each person in that loving relationship will reflect the other’s joy and a sustained, loving symbiosis will result, at least until one person in the union loses either their sense of that love or life itself. The inspiration of love is also a profound thing, which by its mere existence can foster better behaviour and greater achievement in both giver and recipient. I can’t imagine a happier state of being. Of course life has it’s contradictions to contend with – I think most people tussle with my personal favourite which states that unless you have money your options are limited, but in order to make that money you instead have to spend your playtime working. There is a relevant old adage to contemplate which lies in a similarly frustrating vein - ‘a watched pot never boils’. This is definitely the case in the search for love, and I can even say, to extend the metaphor, that I would quite happily take a joyful life which passes quickly over an eternity of misery.
Then there is the argument which states that you cannot love anyone else until you can first learn to love yourself. I can see the validity to this as well, and in this there is some truth. If you are caught up in a situation which leaves you feeling anything from having no real opinion of your self-worth, through to a real venomous self-loathing then this is inevitably going to show itself outwardly in a literal or abstract way. Any possible partner will likely sense this, and in the case of the latter it would be a brave but very worthy person who persevered through that kind of barrier to reach and heal the afflicted individual - I do think though that it would indeed be a very rare love, and worthier than most of a savagely tight grasp by both parties. At the moment I think I stand in the former camp – I have no real opinion of feeling about myself one way or another. I seem to be stuck in a form of suffocating nothingness – a day to day blur of faces that seem to reflect a similar weariness. In this place my heart simply refuses to feel, and when I should be seizing the day and reaching out to beautiful people and trying to heal, I find myself simply dying instead. I don’t actually hate myself – I got past that one a while ago. It took a little time before I realised that I was allowing myself to be pigeon-holed and then trying to accept that pigeon hole, rather than taking the third option and forcing people to accept me for who I am, and knowing that my opinions and outlooks really are as valid as the next person. Damn everyone in the past who tried to make me feel otherwise. No, self-loathing isn’t an issue. My quandary is a race against time, and it is the thought that I might find myself reflecting with sadness on a loveless life many years from now which fills me with a horror, and which is making me counterproductively unbearable in the present. The most recent hurt I have had to contend with is a situation involving unrequited emotion. For any of you yet to experience this one, do yourself a favour and try to avoid it in the first place – PLEASE, PLEASE trust me on this one. As inspiration for avoidance let me tell you it simply ISN’T possible to overcome it – not if you really feel it. It’s like any irreparable injury, you just have to learn to live with it. In double fact, this may have been the catalyst for putting me in the position of considering alternatives to love.
After all of the above I’m sure you can understand why I have little patience for pointless celebrity romance gossip devoid of any real meaning, or people who continually abuse each other in relationships – to say nothing of those who seem to treat my nameless unrequited one with a casual attitude.
So, from all this, what do we have? I think the real big question at the heart of all this is quite obvious to me now - “how does one overcome the absence of another’s loving inspiration, create your own inspiration and bring order to emotional chaos?”. No small undertaking - can it really be done? Assuming I elect instead to prolong my search for love, surely I will need to find some kind of inner happiness before any sane woman will touch me with a barge pole? One person reading this will probably think this the heaviest blog yet. Do you know, honestly after all this, I just don’t know what to think.. I am so tired of feeling alone. Aren't we all? lol. Maybe I shouldn't be trying to resolve anything in my present condition!? Humph..
I shall have to have a good think about this when I’ve got some more strength for it, and get back to you all when I do.. As with other blogs, I welcome any sensible comments..
Peace
It is an unfortunate and inescapable fact in this repeatedly ironic life of mine that I am a natural romantic, so you will understand when I say that this looming impasse is a painfully difficult and heartbreaking one for me to resolve – the hardest I have ever confronted, and in view of the definitive resolution I am looking for this time, the hardest of its kind bar none. I find myself here because I firmly believe that everybody surrounding me (and not least of all myself) have the right to live without my mood swings. All the chaos running around inside me is quite simply making my life a living nightmare, and by association it is making me a day-to-day pain in the arse to live with. I know this. It may even come as a surprise to some of those suffering around me to know that I know this. I wasn’t always like this. The cruelty to be found in womankind, my world and the passage of time has conspired to put me where I now find myself. I suppose I first have to unravel the situation – I believe that ‘dissemination before understanding’ is the traditional technique..
In spite of my contemplation over shunning romance I have to concede that the one thing which is preventing me from letting it all go without a fight is the certain knowledge that a life without love isn’t a real life - it’s merely a state of existence, no matter how many counter arguments I read which say that love is something which you don’t truly gain from simply having a woman/man in your life. I can see where they’re coming from, but on the whole they are also wrong. If you have someone in your life and you do both truly love one another then each person in that loving relationship will reflect the other’s joy and a sustained, loving symbiosis will result, at least until one person in the union loses either their sense of that love or life itself. The inspiration of love is also a profound thing, which by its mere existence can foster better behaviour and greater achievement in both giver and recipient. I can’t imagine a happier state of being. Of course life has it’s contradictions to contend with – I think most people tussle with my personal favourite which states that unless you have money your options are limited, but in order to make that money you instead have to spend your playtime working. There is a relevant old adage to contemplate which lies in a similarly frustrating vein - ‘a watched pot never boils’. This is definitely the case in the search for love, and I can even say, to extend the metaphor, that I would quite happily take a joyful life which passes quickly over an eternity of misery.
Then there is the argument which states that you cannot love anyone else until you can first learn to love yourself. I can see the validity to this as well, and in this there is some truth. If you are caught up in a situation which leaves you feeling anything from having no real opinion of your self-worth, through to a real venomous self-loathing then this is inevitably going to show itself outwardly in a literal or abstract way. Any possible partner will likely sense this, and in the case of the latter it would be a brave but very worthy person who persevered through that kind of barrier to reach and heal the afflicted individual - I do think though that it would indeed be a very rare love, and worthier than most of a savagely tight grasp by both parties. At the moment I think I stand in the former camp – I have no real opinion of feeling about myself one way or another. I seem to be stuck in a form of suffocating nothingness – a day to day blur of faces that seem to reflect a similar weariness. In this place my heart simply refuses to feel, and when I should be seizing the day and reaching out to beautiful people and trying to heal, I find myself simply dying instead. I don’t actually hate myself – I got past that one a while ago. It took a little time before I realised that I was allowing myself to be pigeon-holed and then trying to accept that pigeon hole, rather than taking the third option and forcing people to accept me for who I am, and knowing that my opinions and outlooks really are as valid as the next person. Damn everyone in the past who tried to make me feel otherwise. No, self-loathing isn’t an issue. My quandary is a race against time, and it is the thought that I might find myself reflecting with sadness on a loveless life many years from now which fills me with a horror, and which is making me counterproductively unbearable in the present. The most recent hurt I have had to contend with is a situation involving unrequited emotion. For any of you yet to experience this one, do yourself a favour and try to avoid it in the first place – PLEASE, PLEASE trust me on this one. As inspiration for avoidance let me tell you it simply ISN’T possible to overcome it – not if you really feel it. It’s like any irreparable injury, you just have to learn to live with it. In double fact, this may have been the catalyst for putting me in the position of considering alternatives to love.
After all of the above I’m sure you can understand why I have little patience for pointless celebrity romance gossip devoid of any real meaning, or people who continually abuse each other in relationships – to say nothing of those who seem to treat my nameless unrequited one with a casual attitude.
So, from all this, what do we have? I think the real big question at the heart of all this is quite obvious to me now - “how does one overcome the absence of another’s loving inspiration, create your own inspiration and bring order to emotional chaos?”. No small undertaking - can it really be done? Assuming I elect instead to prolong my search for love, surely I will need to find some kind of inner happiness before any sane woman will touch me with a barge pole? One person reading this will probably think this the heaviest blog yet. Do you know, honestly after all this, I just don’t know what to think.. I am so tired of feeling alone. Aren't we all? lol. Maybe I shouldn't be trying to resolve anything in my present condition!? Humph..
I shall have to have a good think about this when I’ve got some more strength for it, and get back to you all when I do.. As with other blogs, I welcome any sensible comments..
Peace
Monday 3 May 2010
The Art of Suffocation (not what you're thinking..)
“How can the same s*%t happen to the same guy twice?” – John McClane, Die Hard 2
If there were any blog which I have written which I would hope to receive a broader audience, it is this one. John, you had it easy my friend.. With all due respect you had targets you could rationalise, manipulate and stop - with lethal force if necessary. Matters of the heart are intangible affairs and, unlike a man-made weapon, love is truly the most powerful of energies. You cannot force anyone to love you. It can’t be grown, you cannot truly lure it, build it or trade in it. Like Chuck Norris, it finds you – or not as the case may be. As I reflected on a little earlier in the day, heroin, hashish, cocaine, and all such substances are rightly or wrongly a personal lifestyle choice. By comparison emotions and love are something we are all lumbered with from birth. No one has any choice, the harsh element of “luck” as an active component exacerbates it, and it seems some people cope with its absence better than others. If there were a creator (and in this situation I am in I am seriously tempted to uphold it as proof of the non-existence of God) then why didn’t ‘it’ reconsider the consequences of giving us a heart before granting such a double-edged sword?
After my recent altercation with fate in Manila, I now find myself stumbling backwards into another undesired and painful experience which has forced me into the rather extreme measure of temporarily withdrawing my daily friendship with a rather attractive member of the opposite sex. Through no real fault of her own, and through circumstances which I choose not to elaborate on, I have developed unrequited emotions for this person (sourcing from an event further back than even the beginning of the Manila escapade), and in order to protect any long-term future friendship for us I have been forced to take a step back before I either make her uncomfortable to the point that she has to lose me as a friend, or I begin to subconsciously resent her for inevitably rejecting my affections. To have to now deal with another rejection where there is already too much personal chaos leaves me in a very hard place. Unfortunate though it is for me, I have the kind of personality which thrives on the promise of love and companionship. I would be the first to admit that though in the past I have managed on my own, I am now heartily sick of it. The thought of continuing another day without any returning affection in my life fills me with a sense of dread, and plants me in a vicious circle, which some would likely dispense with by ritual hari-kiri. I seem to have a general lack of enthusiasm for anything, or an ability to experience pleasure in achievement. This sounds pathetic (and it likely is) but in contradiction to my continuing habit of taking an absurd amount of joy from inconsequential experiences (a sunset, or some other abstract momentary thing), I genuinely don’t have any sense of real joy for anything more substantial which might engage me and bring me into contact with a soulmate. As an artist I suppose this too puts me at a disadvantage – when the core of my soul and philosophy revolves around emotion, and that source is disrupted by disharmony, the whole tends toward failure, like an engine left to run without oil. When this outlet of engagement and diversion is exhausted and all I have to look forward to is the monotonous grind of life between work, home and sleep (especially when you have no available expenses for anything you might describe as “fun” for the next four months as a consequence of the last relationship ‘faux pas’) where do you turn for comfort? When the medicine of love becomes a poison where the hell do you turn?
These are not rhetorical questions – I really have no answers this time, and I’m very open to suggestions.
I don’t consider myself a proud person stubbornly beyond the grace of a helping hand, but I don’t wish to burden my friends with any sofa-hogging imposition or tiresome pub scenes. They have lives and the last thing they need, even if they don’t want to admit it, is a miserable sod taking up space in their homely routines. I suspect it would ultimately do me no good anyway. In a savage twist of irony the one person who might best understand me (the ex) is now in another relationship of her own, and quite preoccupied – and rightfully so. I have to wonder how I managed to reach such a position of utter isolation. When did I begin to find society so painfully dull or un-accepting as to stop being able to make new friends? As I look about me, not just now but day-to-day generally, I feel as though people are somehow socially embarrassed to help another in trouble. When the hell did this attitude take root? Are people now so inept that they cannot expand beyond their circle of friends in a social environment and reach out to someone who looks as though they might need a friendly embrace? Am I envious of those who do have someone to hold, to the point of self-destructive thoughts and habits? Without a successful distraction of hobby or habit I suppose it is certainly possible, but what does that then say about me as a person and how do I resolve this before it inevitably overwhelms me? What does a tired atheist draw on to help them through the loneliness, which if I’m honest, could last anywhere from overnight to the rest of his life?
I will soldier on somehow. I suppose on reflection I have been here many times before now, but somehow it feels different this time, and I don’t mind admitting that for right now, I hurt.. and I am very scared.
If there were any blog which I have written which I would hope to receive a broader audience, it is this one. John, you had it easy my friend.. With all due respect you had targets you could rationalise, manipulate and stop - with lethal force if necessary. Matters of the heart are intangible affairs and, unlike a man-made weapon, love is truly the most powerful of energies. You cannot force anyone to love you. It can’t be grown, you cannot truly lure it, build it or trade in it. Like Chuck Norris, it finds you – or not as the case may be. As I reflected on a little earlier in the day, heroin, hashish, cocaine, and all such substances are rightly or wrongly a personal lifestyle choice. By comparison emotions and love are something we are all lumbered with from birth. No one has any choice, the harsh element of “luck” as an active component exacerbates it, and it seems some people cope with its absence better than others. If there were a creator (and in this situation I am in I am seriously tempted to uphold it as proof of the non-existence of God) then why didn’t ‘it’ reconsider the consequences of giving us a heart before granting such a double-edged sword?
After my recent altercation with fate in Manila, I now find myself stumbling backwards into another undesired and painful experience which has forced me into the rather extreme measure of temporarily withdrawing my daily friendship with a rather attractive member of the opposite sex. Through no real fault of her own, and through circumstances which I choose not to elaborate on, I have developed unrequited emotions for this person (sourcing from an event further back than even the beginning of the Manila escapade), and in order to protect any long-term future friendship for us I have been forced to take a step back before I either make her uncomfortable to the point that she has to lose me as a friend, or I begin to subconsciously resent her for inevitably rejecting my affections. To have to now deal with another rejection where there is already too much personal chaos leaves me in a very hard place. Unfortunate though it is for me, I have the kind of personality which thrives on the promise of love and companionship. I would be the first to admit that though in the past I have managed on my own, I am now heartily sick of it. The thought of continuing another day without any returning affection in my life fills me with a sense of dread, and plants me in a vicious circle, which some would likely dispense with by ritual hari-kiri. I seem to have a general lack of enthusiasm for anything, or an ability to experience pleasure in achievement. This sounds pathetic (and it likely is) but in contradiction to my continuing habit of taking an absurd amount of joy from inconsequential experiences (a sunset, or some other abstract momentary thing), I genuinely don’t have any sense of real joy for anything more substantial which might engage me and bring me into contact with a soulmate. As an artist I suppose this too puts me at a disadvantage – when the core of my soul and philosophy revolves around emotion, and that source is disrupted by disharmony, the whole tends toward failure, like an engine left to run without oil. When this outlet of engagement and diversion is exhausted and all I have to look forward to is the monotonous grind of life between work, home and sleep (especially when you have no available expenses for anything you might describe as “fun” for the next four months as a consequence of the last relationship ‘faux pas’) where do you turn for comfort? When the medicine of love becomes a poison where the hell do you turn?
These are not rhetorical questions – I really have no answers this time, and I’m very open to suggestions.
I don’t consider myself a proud person stubbornly beyond the grace of a helping hand, but I don’t wish to burden my friends with any sofa-hogging imposition or tiresome pub scenes. They have lives and the last thing they need, even if they don’t want to admit it, is a miserable sod taking up space in their homely routines. I suspect it would ultimately do me no good anyway. In a savage twist of irony the one person who might best understand me (the ex) is now in another relationship of her own, and quite preoccupied – and rightfully so. I have to wonder how I managed to reach such a position of utter isolation. When did I begin to find society so painfully dull or un-accepting as to stop being able to make new friends? As I look about me, not just now but day-to-day generally, I feel as though people are somehow socially embarrassed to help another in trouble. When the hell did this attitude take root? Are people now so inept that they cannot expand beyond their circle of friends in a social environment and reach out to someone who looks as though they might need a friendly embrace? Am I envious of those who do have someone to hold, to the point of self-destructive thoughts and habits? Without a successful distraction of hobby or habit I suppose it is certainly possible, but what does that then say about me as a person and how do I resolve this before it inevitably overwhelms me? What does a tired atheist draw on to help them through the loneliness, which if I’m honest, could last anywhere from overnight to the rest of his life?
I will soldier on somehow. I suppose on reflection I have been here many times before now, but somehow it feels different this time, and I don’t mind admitting that for right now, I hurt.. and I am very scared.
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