Okay, so we’ve had the Iraq War, global recession and the subsequent and continuing behaviour of the banks.. so many various gaffes from so many political bodies across the globe, but just when you thought life couldn’t present us with anything more implausible.. Two of Malawi’s most senior judicial officers are currently arguing over whether the scope of a recent public order offense bill is broad enough to encompass ‘public flatulence’. I kid you not. The bill reads "Any person who vitiates the atmosphere in any place so as to make it noxious to the public to the health of persons in general dwelling or carrying on business in the neighbourhood or passing along a public way shall be guilty of a misdemeanour”. It seems that there is a legal description stating quite specifically “fouling of air”. One lawyer has dared to contradict Justice Minister George Chaponda, stating that the description must realistically be intended to cover pollution of a chemical industrial nature, and that no one could seriously be trying to legislate against farting in public, but there isn’t any elaboration on this point. The official line states that in the event of needing to expel gas then one should simply ‘go to the toilet’. Apparently this law will be enforced by methods equally applicable to dealing with those who choose to urinate in public.
Excuse me whilst I allow myself a little leeway to play devil’s advocate..
What do you do if you’re in a compromised position such as a very long queue, on a bus, in a taxi or god forbid, a lift? What if an officer witnesses a crime of any description, and in the process of dealing with the assailant he or she is overcome with an ‘urge’? What if the officer issuing you with a ‘fart ticket’ then proceeds to fart themselves? Do they make a ticket out and go back to the office? Are politicians going to be subject to this bylaw? Do diplomats still carry political immunity? Where can this all end? I would also imagine that the social habits of the Malawi people are going to be a borderline spectacle as a constant flow of people run into and out of public conveniences across the length and breadth of the country, trying to avoid a criminal record. Can I suggest to Rupert Murdoch that he reserves some satellite airtime for a live “Malawi-Watch” programme, perhaps narrated by Tony Robinson, dedicated to the endless entertainment to be had from the chaos? They could probably even construct a game show around it. If this legislation seriously comes to pass (no pun intended) how long will it be before there is a ‘fart tax’? Or maybe this is all in readiness for a system designed to power the state and promote green energy? Rationalise this as you will!
You know, when you consider the problems which any country faces one would be tempted to think that this might settle somewhere pretty low on ANY list of national concerns. So, I think there can only be one possible conclusion - this has to be a distraction from something much more serious. The leaders of Malawi must be sat on something so politically outrageous that they decided any form of distraction would suffice, to detract from something so mind numbingly horrifying that even the world’s most hardened heart might raise a point or two of concern. Have they attained nuclear power, or discovered an alien vessel poking up out of the tundra? On the other hand, maybe there is no master plan, in which case they might want to consider the following. Practically speaking, urinating is generally easier to resist than farting - not that I’m admitting in any way to any first-hand experience of breaking wind in public. If I ever have the need or desire to go to Malawi and they read this then they may think twice about stamping my passport. Actually, come to think of it, if this whole thing still seems more than a little preposterous then just spare a thought for little old me.. I can’t believe I’ve actually written this.
Peace
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