Bonus Time

Well I haven’t written a blog for a while now.. apologies to all concerned – those who know me better will know I have been, and continue to be a little distracted of late (hehehe).


With the recent and ongoing war of words between central government and the banks over the alleged forthcoming bonus payments for bank executives, now may be a good time to reflect upon the importance of money.  The Education Secretary Michael Cove recently condemned the bank execs for appearing to exist in a parallel world to the rest of us.  Whilst I agree with him, from my own perspective he also cannot be too lacking in financial prosperity himself.  When people substantially financially better off than me complain about those richer than themselves I think it’s time to consider taking a step back (even if they are likely just scoring political points by enunciating such opinions to the world).

I think it’s true to surmise that all people are directly or indirectly affected by money.  Whilst commerce and cultural exchange can be seen as the only true one-world language currently in existence, it brings with it a whole host of troubles.  Responsibility, morality and philanthropy are the main antidotes to many of these problems and yet it cannot have escaped even the least clued-up in society that these are perhaps the characteristics most lacking when vast sums are at stake.  The bottom line is the world is still, and to some degree will always be, divided by the “have's” and the “have not’s”.  The worst examples are those who are willing to kill for financial gain, examples of which are found across the spectrum of society.  There are also exceptions.  Some at the top seek an understanding of the plight of those with less, to help define their own value as a human being, and some with less may see value in living a modest, hassle-free life.  So maybe the best solution to your own plight with this is some personal reflection – try for a moment to remove yourself from the equation of daily depressive issues of wants and desires and really ask yourself “what do you really value in life?”  The answer may surprise you.

Maybe like me you will find that if you are honest with yourself you place the most value in simply being happy, but how do you define happiness?  Many people mistake money for happiness, but someone once defined money for me as something which simply gives you ‘options’.  I think this is quite a healthy perspective.  Maybe the hardest part to this rumination can be having the courage to see beyond the natural human instinct for more.  It’s true I would like to have enough money to not have to worry about day to day concerns which force us into working, but I am heartened to realise that I am not being hypocritical here as my desire for money is bound by the constraint of knowing when to say enough is enough.  To want for a comfortable but humble life is perhaps the best way forward.  I’m not saying we should renounce our aspirations, but it’s probably best to consider money as a simple tool – and like all tools its effectiveness all depends upon how and when you choose to apply it.  For those who abuse it (you know who you are) let me remind you that it is usually better to put the tools of your trade down a moment and consider the broader forms of expression – have some compassion and understanding for example – then, and only then might it be appropriate to employ money.. once you have the in-situ wisdom to be able to see clearly how to best apply it.  You might even spend less money in the long run..

Genetic Donkeys: A Warning..

Yep, you read that right.. click the link below and know that this is a silly blog, but one which just goes to serve as a reminder to all who know me that not everything which crosses my mind is dark and ponderous..



http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-10695037


So, a few million years of evolution pass quietly by and with little warning a donkey suddenly finds itself at odds with gravity, and in a blindingly surreal few minutes (for everyone including the donkey) it finds itself airborne. This creature which in the grand scale of things is generally speaking little more than a slightly chubby, furry horse finds itself in an aerial predicament unlike almost any other of its kind before it. I’ll lay odds on it being the first time a flying donkey of any description has lived to tell the tale. In short there can’t have been many, and all this disturbs the philosopher in me..

With an undoubted stroke of advertising genius I have to pause and wonder - what have these people done? It’s true that I don’t think I’d forget seeing that in a hurry, but that’s not the point. Its ancestors have always roamed the ground, munching away without a care in the world - excepting any times when it was required to run away from something which wanted to eat it. Assuming the experience hasn’t rendered the donkey incapable of reproducing, just what might we have imparted to its genes with this? Certainly if it isn’t catatonic the donkey is in itself unlikely to forget all this in its lifetime either. It might even be able to recall to its friends what it was advertising as its life flashed before its eyes in a blur of surf and blue sky. Most worryingly, there was no discipline required on the donkey’s part to master the concepts of aerodynamics, propulsion or how to land.. Without warning it was thrust into a new environment and given an experience way, way ahead of its time and much, much sooner than it should have happened – assuming they had a destiny in the say in the first place. What lies in store for the future of “donkeydom”? Will the idea of air travel now take hold in its descendants, seeping into their awareness little by little.. bit by bit.. a little base pair tweak here and there, until one day..


and for what?! An advertisement for a beach.


What exactly were they trying to say anyway? “Come to our beach – WE have flying donkeys!“? A tad obvious perhaps. Maybe, “Come to our beach – the surrounding grass is really lush and uneaten”? Probably very true but no, it doesn’t seem right somehow. Perhaps “Come to our beach – your drink won’t be consumed by stray donkeys because we’ve put them all out of reach of your beer – and THAT’s a guarantee!”? I’m not on the whole too sure..

It gets worse.. What about the birds? What would they make of this mercurial burro as it soared clumsily, “eee-oar”ing its way through the stratosphere in a fashion which must have had them either drawing up battle plans or holding their breath in fear of further intoxication?

All in all I’m just saying that they might have thought it through a little deeper, but I’m not an advertising expert so I suppose I’ll leave it all to those who know better. I do have to admit I can’t think of anything more revolting than trying to share a warming, sun-kissed beach with a pack of donkeys staggering around, acting rowdy, chewing on your beach towel or sunshade and vomiting all over your sun lounger. Maybe they did the wrong thing for the right reasons? Until next time..

Peace

You Have To Laugh I Suppose.. *^^*..

Here we go again – I’ve been crippled by shyness, experienced the reduction of romance like a fine sauce by the passage of time, been dumped in a country of 91.9 million strangers 7,000 miles from home, and now as if all that wasn’t enough I’m put in the position of having to bottle up my feelings for a certain somebody, who has become very special to me of late. At this point I admit I wouldn't mind knowing just how many permutations I’m going to have to go through in my life before ‘Miss Right’ appears. I know, I know.. but let me reiterate that this is not a whinge (well, it's a little therapeutic) but rather a continuing catalogue of life as it goes, blow by blow, for the benefit of anyone reading - and believe me it certainly does blow.

I keep getting the feeling that if I'm lucky enough to get to read this back years from now my life will probably appear to me as a warning to others on how NOT to play it, rather than a resume of success. If anyone reading is wondering how to deal with unrequited feelings, my first bit of advice is reconcile those feelings - as quickly as you possibly can. Having experienced a few heartbreaking variations on a theme I can say that this is probably the cruellest out there.. and yes, without some effort on your part the hardest day will be the day when she finds her ‘Mr Right’ - but I will also be happy for her.. and so should you.

That’s lesson number two.

Remember always that if you really care then know that she deserves her happiness too, simple as.. Don’t blame her for her lack of mutual feelings. As has been discussed if that spark is missing then that’s just the way it is. Retain your honour in the face of circumstantial defeat! If any doubt remains just bear a little role reversal in mind. Rejection is hard, but I would say there’s nothing wrong with feeling the way you will likely feel – grieving through any kind of emotional difficulty or loss is okay, just don’t dwell on it for too long. Believe in the future. Listen to me.. I’m beginning to sound like a pro (you’d never believe it really).

I think we will always have a good friendship whatever the circumstances but it has to be said that letting go of the regular companionship, as with all friendships which move on, will be hard. Oh, and if that certain someone is reading this.. then for the record I want you to know that when your day does come I will be so happy.. and I will miss you so much :)

The Truth Points To Itself

I think I’ve finally managed to work out what is causing my heart such anxiety. That certain someone out there, whomever she is, is going to have to be a very special person indeed. She will be amazing. Well she would be, but why the heavy emphasis and the upset? I’ve come to realise that the key to this is not me getting hung up on my feelings regarding my girl in the aftermath of the Manila escapade (although that could be an unwritten debate in itself – see the blog “How Far Will You Go? Pt 2” below to see what happened), but rather it’s in the echo of how this woman made me feel before it all came mysteriously tumbling down. I’ve discovered that the real problem provoking despair is the chance of finding someone who would be able to make me feel emotions as strongly as she did. In spite of the outcome, one thing which did happen to me (and I still don’t know whether to thank her for this or not) is I experienced a whole new depth of ‘feeling’ through our six months of conversations. Ironically it isn’t important whether it was a real love or not - even if it was, it certainly can’t have been fully mutual otherwise we’d still be together, yes!? It was the depth of feeling which was present in our expressions. She may have set the emotional bar impossibly high for anyone else yet to step into the light. Consequently, looking from ‘this end of the rainbow’ I find that my fear is that I am likely to be compromised in ever finding as much joy in any relationship ever again.

Of course the simple, logical solution would be to lower my sights, but can the heart learn to compromise? Can a lesser relationship really thrive in the shadow of stronger past emotions without a foundation of underlying resentment? A friend I spoke with about this told me that she felt that relationships were ultimately all “different”. In all seriousness I’ve considered this point before, and maybe she’s right. Maybe it will prove to be the saving grace for my future. After all I don’t suppose I can compare any of my previous relationships to one another – they were each what they were at the time – all valuable in the moment - some continue to be relevant to this day. Perhaps I need not worry after all. Maybe the next will simply be as special in its own way?!

As before then, it’s back to the same question for my mystery woman.. “Where are you?”

Hajimemashite, Aishitemasu.. O-namae wa nan desu ka?

Okay, maybe Jim Morrison didn’t say it quite like that, but with a renewed purpose I open myself again to where the far eastern winds blow, entrusting the future of my heart to the Asian woman who is out there looking for me.


How’s THAT for an outrageous spin of optimism!?  :)


It’s become an obvious and well-accepted truth to me that no matter how hard you push, love refuses to be ‘found’. So, I’ve decided that in my current state of rest it couldn’t possibly hurt to reach out to her, and share a little mantra of spiritual encouragement:

Are you searching for that special someone, to share in a life filled with mutual learning, love and respect? Do you believe that a quirky sense of humour and romance are ‘must have’ qualities in your soulmate? Should he have a deeper, philosophical side? Would he ideally enjoy art, photography, music, movies and theatre? Should he be a decent cook? Should he be able to enjoy walking aimlessly hand in hand with you through beautiful places, talking about anything and nothing.. and be capable of taking an absurd amount of joy in the simplest things, which most people would overlook? Should he be the kind of man who would promise to never hurt you, and yet still possess the humility to say sorry if he did? Would you dare to dream of sharing unfathomable depths of caring, love and intimacy, and to do so every day as though it were the last?

How do I find myself returning full circle time and again to my belief in you? Where are you? In this very moment, where are you? What do you dream about? How do you look when you sleep? When I close my eyes you are always there with me, yet I do not know your face. You have a soul, grace and beauty I have yet to know, and when I do meet you I‘ll know it because you’ll bring my heart and my world to a stop. When that happens, no other woman will ever be able to walk the same path.


Wherever you are, know that you are already loved beyond all measure. All that is missing is one simple thing..


we have yet to meet. *^^*

To Be Or Not To Be.. Ouch!

In view of my patchy past with relationships and my recent altercations with romance and all things which are supposed to bring comfort and happiness (as opposed to discomfort and hopelessness), I have finally resolved to face a personal demon which has been with me now for about twenty seven years. From today I am faced with the deepest, most fundamental life-defining choice of whether to continue in my pursuit of love, and find a way to cope within my continuing state of emotional disarray, or to turn my back on the search for love and look to something else to fill the gap.

It is an unfortunate and inescapable fact in this repeatedly ironic life of mine that I am a natural romantic, so you will understand when I say that this looming impasse is a painfully difficult and heartbreaking one for me to resolve – the hardest I have ever confronted, and in view of the definitive resolution I am looking for this time, the hardest of its kind bar none. I find myself here because I firmly believe that everybody surrounding me (and not least of all myself) have the right to live without my mood swings. All the chaos running around inside me is quite simply making my life a living nightmare, and by association it is making me a day-to-day pain in the arse to live with. I know this. It may even come as a surprise to some of those suffering around me to know that I know this. I wasn’t always like this. The cruelty to be found in womankind, my world and the passage of time has conspired to put me where I now find myself. I suppose I first have to unravel the situation – I believe that ‘dissemination before understanding’ is the traditional technique..

In spite of my contemplation over shunning romance I have to concede that the one thing which is preventing me from letting it all go without a fight is the certain knowledge that a life without love isn’t a real life - it’s merely a state of existence, no matter how many counter arguments I read which say that love is something which you don’t truly gain from simply having a woman/man in your life. I can see where they’re coming from, but on the whole they are also wrong. If you have someone in your life and you do both truly love one another then each person in that loving relationship will reflect the other’s joy and a sustained, loving symbiosis will result, at least until one person in the union loses either their sense of that love or life itself. The inspiration of love is also a profound thing, which by its mere existence can foster better behaviour and greater achievement in both giver and recipient. I can’t imagine a happier state of being. Of course life has it’s contradictions to contend with – I think most people tussle with my personal favourite which states that unless you have money your options are limited, but in order to make that money you instead have to spend your playtime working. There is a relevant old adage to contemplate which lies in a similarly frustrating vein - ‘a watched pot never boils’. This is definitely the case in the search for love, and I can even say, to extend the metaphor, that I would quite happily take a joyful life which passes quickly over an eternity of misery.

Then there is the argument which states that you cannot love anyone else until you can first learn to love yourself. I can see the validity to this as well, and in this there is some truth. If you are caught up in a situation which leaves you feeling anything from having no real opinion of your self-worth, through to a real venomous self-loathing then this is inevitably going to show itself outwardly in a literal or abstract way. Any possible partner will likely sense this, and in the case of the latter it would be a brave but very worthy person who persevered through that kind of barrier to reach and heal the afflicted individual - I do think though that it would indeed be a very rare love, and worthier than most of a savagely tight grasp by both parties. At the moment I think I stand in the former camp – I have no real opinion of feeling about myself one way or another. I seem to be stuck in a form of suffocating nothingness – a day to day blur of faces that seem to reflect a similar weariness. In this place my heart simply refuses to feel, and when I should be seizing the day and reaching out to beautiful people and trying to heal, I find myself simply dying instead. I don’t actually hate myself – I got past that one a while ago. It took a little time before I realised that I was allowing myself to be pigeon-holed and then trying to accept that pigeon hole, rather than taking the third option and forcing people to accept me for who I am, and knowing that my opinions and outlooks really are as valid as the next person. Damn everyone in the past who tried to make me feel otherwise. No, self-loathing isn’t an issue. My quandary is a race against time, and it is the thought that I might find myself reflecting with sadness on a loveless life many years from now which fills me with a horror, and which is making me counterproductively unbearable in the present. The most recent hurt I have had to contend with is a situation involving unrequited emotion. For any of you yet to experience this one, do yourself a favour and try to avoid it in the first place – PLEASE, PLEASE trust me on this one. As inspiration for avoidance let me tell you it simply ISN’T possible to overcome it – not if you really feel it. It’s like any irreparable injury, you just have to learn to live with it. In double fact, this may have been the catalyst for putting me in the position of considering alternatives to love.


After all of the above I’m sure you can understand why I have little patience for pointless celebrity romance gossip devoid of any real meaning, or people who continually abuse each other in relationships – to say nothing of those who seem to treat my nameless unrequited one with a casual attitude.


So, from all this, what do we have? I think the real big question at the heart of all this is quite obvious to me now - “how does one overcome the absence of another’s loving inspiration, create your own inspiration and bring order to emotional chaos?”. No small undertaking - can it really be done? Assuming I elect instead to prolong my search for love, surely I will need to find some kind of inner happiness before any sane woman will touch me with a barge pole? One person reading this will probably think this the heaviest blog yet. Do you know, honestly after all this, I just don’t know what to think.. I am so tired of feeling alone. Aren't we all? lol. Maybe I shouldn't be trying to resolve anything in my present condition!? Humph..

I shall have to have a good think about this when I’ve got some more strength for it, and get back to you all when I do.. As with other blogs, I welcome any sensible comments..

Peace

The Art of Suffocation (not what you're thinking..)

“How can the same s*%t happen to the same guy twice?” – John McClane, Die Hard 2


If there were any blog which I have written which I would hope to receive a broader audience, it is this one. John, you had it easy my friend.. With all due respect you had targets you could rationalise, manipulate and stop - with lethal force if necessary. Matters of the heart are intangible affairs and, unlike a man-made weapon, love is truly the most powerful of energies. You cannot force anyone to love you. It can’t be grown, you cannot truly lure it, build it or trade in it. Like Chuck Norris, it finds you – or not as the case may be. As I reflected on a little earlier in the day, heroin, hashish, cocaine, and all such substances are rightly or wrongly a personal lifestyle choice. By comparison emotions and love are something we are all lumbered with from birth. No one has any choice, the harsh element of “luck” as an active component exacerbates it, and it seems some people cope with its absence better than others. If there were a creator (and in this situation I am in I am seriously tempted to uphold it as proof of the non-existence of God) then why didn’t ‘it’ reconsider the consequences of giving us a heart before granting such a double-edged sword?

After my recent altercation with fate in Manila, I now find myself stumbling backwards into another undesired and painful experience which has forced me into the rather extreme measure of temporarily withdrawing my daily friendship with a rather attractive member of the opposite sex. Through no real fault of her own, and through circumstances which I choose not to elaborate on, I have developed unrequited emotions for this person (sourcing from an event further back than even the beginning of the Manila escapade), and in order to protect any long-term future friendship for us I have been forced to take a step back before I either make her uncomfortable to the point that she has to lose me as a friend, or I begin to subconsciously resent her for inevitably rejecting my affections. To have to now deal with another rejection where there is already too much personal chaos leaves me in a very hard place. Unfortunate though it is for me, I have the kind of personality which thrives on the promise of love and companionship. I would be the first to admit that though in the past I have managed on my own, I am now heartily sick of it. The thought of continuing another day without any returning affection in my life fills me with a sense of dread, and plants me in a vicious circle, which some would likely dispense with by ritual hari-kiri. I seem to have a general lack of enthusiasm for anything, or an ability to experience pleasure in achievement. This sounds pathetic (and it likely is) but in contradiction to my continuing habit of taking an absurd amount of joy from inconsequential experiences (a sunset, or some other abstract momentary thing), I genuinely don’t have any sense of real joy for anything more substantial which might engage me and bring me into contact with a soulmate. As an artist I suppose this too puts me at a disadvantage – when the core of my soul and philosophy revolves around emotion, and that source is disrupted by disharmony, the whole tends toward failure, like an engine left to run without oil. When this outlet of engagement and diversion is exhausted and all I have to look forward to is the monotonous grind of life between work, home and sleep (especially when you have no available expenses for anything you might describe as “fun” for the next four months as a consequence of the last relationship ‘faux pas’) where do you turn for comfort? When the medicine of love becomes a poison where the hell do you turn?


These are not rhetorical questions – I really have no answers this time, and I’m very open to suggestions.


I don’t consider myself a proud person stubbornly beyond the grace of a helping hand, but I don’t wish to burden my friends with any sofa-hogging imposition or tiresome pub scenes. They have lives and the last thing they need, even if they don’t want to admit it, is a miserable sod taking up space in their homely routines. I suspect it would ultimately do me no good anyway. In a savage twist of irony the one person who might best understand me (the ex) is now in another relationship of her own, and quite preoccupied – and rightfully so. I have to wonder how I managed to reach such a position of utter isolation. When did I begin to find society so painfully dull or un-accepting as to stop being able to make new friends? As I look about me, not just now but day-to-day generally, I feel as though people are somehow socially embarrassed to help another in trouble. When the hell did this attitude take root? Are people now so inept that they cannot expand beyond their circle of friends in a social environment and reach out to someone who looks as though they might need a friendly embrace? Am I envious of those who do have someone to hold, to the point of self-destructive thoughts and habits? Without a successful distraction of hobby or habit I suppose it is certainly possible, but what does that then say about me as a person and how do I resolve this before it inevitably overwhelms me? What does a tired atheist draw on to help them through the loneliness, which if I’m honest, could last anywhere from overnight to the rest of his life?

I will soldier on somehow. I suppose on reflection I have been here many times before now, but somehow it feels different this time, and I don’t mind admitting that for right now, I hurt.. and I am very scared.